ok, folks. it's public service announcement time. if you find yourself (1). in a government office (2). the day after election day (3). having not voted and (4). being asked if you voted by an elected official, here's what you should do:

lie. do not tell the truth. there are all kinds of good lies out there. lie and say you voted. if you find that you are not quick enough on your feet to make up this lie, use the time between the question "Did you vote?" and "Why didn't you vote?" to come up with a good excuse. if you are too slow to come up with the simple lie of "yes", you are probably in trouble. but i'll help you out. that's what public service is about, after all.

why don't you say that you were in the hospital? or say that you were stuck at home waiting for your heart/prostate/liver medicine to be delivered from Canada. say that you thought you were registered but when you showed up at the polls, oops! it turns out you weren't actually registered. say that you planned to leave work early to vote but got stuck there and could not get to the polls before they closed. say that your real name is Armando Quintero Velázquez de las Cruces or Knut Erik Hrothgar Svesnson and you cannot vote because you are not yet a citizen. say that you are under a restraining order keeping you from approaching within 500 feet of one of the poll workers at your local polling booth, thus barring you from entry.

what you should not, under any circumstances do is say "I did not vote" and follow that up with the assertion that you were justified in not voting because "they [the candidates] are all crooks". at best you are in for a serious stare down with someone who you have just unwittingly called a crook. more likely, you are in for a long lecture punctuated by short breaks in which your pathetic excuses for not voting are summarily punctured and you are made to look ridiculous. and all the while, those other innocent bystanders who did not vote yesterday will be standing around,
(1). looking uncomfortable and hoping to escape notice
(2). shaking their heads and wondering how in the world you could have been born that stupid.

seriously, folks. do us all a favor, and please think before you open your mouth.

This concludes the public service portion of today's posting.