Rookie Staples His Way into Record Books

Friday the 16th of January 2004 began as usual. Time passed on the Island in the normal way with keyboards, staplers, and printers providing a quiet soundtrack to yet another ordinary Friday. But almost lost in the hubbub, one member of the office was passing a significant milestone and taking his place in history. At 3:21 PM on Friday, as his stapler crunched down on 2 sheets of paper, highly touted rookie Data Entry Operator J.Miner became the fastest employee in office history to surpass the 5,000 staple mark.

"It's Friday. I was just thinking about going home," said Miner when asked how it felt to begin his career in such an auspicious fashion. "I didn't know I had accomplished anything until I went to the [5,000 staple] box and it was empty," Miner continued as he downplayed all of the hoopla surrounding the event. Although it seemed at times like he was uncomfortable in the spotlight, Miner acknowledged in his afternoon press conference that landmark achievements also carry the burden of increased attention.

Increased attention is particularly likely when the employee in question is already in the spotlight and under the gun to produce in an office that desperately needs an impact player to emerge. Office manager Nickel Toms had this to say: "This is why we brought Miner aboard. It was only a matter of time before he began to show the qualities that we wanted when we went out and got him in the fall." Although the office has suffered from moribund production at times, the achievements of Miner stand out, potentially as a sign of things to come.

In order for his promise to be fulfilled, however, Miner is going to have to become more disciplined, particularly in defending himself against distraction and boredom. For every day when he has been a standout, there has been another in which he disappears entirely, unable or unwilling to take the team on his shoulders and carry it forward. "Sure, he's okay at stapling," said veteran Data Entry Operator Ervin Swenson, "but he spends, like, half his day on the internet. I don't know how he expects to accomplish anything in this league with a work ethic like that." Reaching the 5,000 mark could be a sign that his discipline has improved, but the coaching staff admitted privately that he still has a long way to go to become the prime-time player that the franchise so desperately needs to survive in such a small market.

And despite his shortcomings, it is abundantly clear that Miner truly is a utility player of the highest caliber. Even though big boss Trixy Carmelite was slow to work Miner into the rotation, he rapidly showed himself to be adept at the more physical aspects of the office, printing, stapling and sorting (both alphabetically and numerically). No matter the task given, he tacked it with gusto. And although he obviously lacked a feel for the mental and teamwork aspects of the office, Miner managed to become a difference-maker and a go-to guy when the rest of the team was in disarray.

But despite his positive impact after the departure of Chuck Sneeks through free agency, Miner still has his detractors among the press and the fans. Many complain that despite his great promise, he has yet to make the kind of impact that will help take the office to the next level. Even some members of his own organization have wondered aloud whether or not Miner, his individual skills notwithstanding, is the kind of individual who can make his teammates better. Others have gone so far as to openly question if he is truly "a team player."

No matter the identity of the critic, however, Miner has answered the objections in his quiet way, with a shrug and a smile. "I let my performance do the talking," has been his mantra since he first suited up on September the 11th. For now at least, it's hard to hear his critics over the tumultuous noise of those 5,000 staples.