Radiology floor, UCSF Medical Center: A review

I have been to this place several times now. So often did I go before my diagnosis, in fact, that I told one of the techs that they needed to get a punch card for frequent visitors. When you use every type of machine on the floor, you get a sandwich or a hat or something. He seemed to actually find that suggestion pretty funny, so either he has a pretty weak sense of humor, I was on drugs, or most patients are really, really not very funny. I had multiple visits to the CT scanner for guided biopsies, a full body PET/CT combo, two MRIs, several X-rays, and a testicular ultrasound.

Some thoughts about the Radiology floor:

Once, I was marooned in the hallway while a machine was in use. This wasn't a problem, really. The transport guy let me know what was up and I didn't have to wait that long, but while I was there I was passed by at least three or four people, some doctors, some not, who didn't even look at me as they veered around my bed. Not that everyone, everywhere in the hospital needs to be chatting me up, but I was bored and slightly annoyed so I started greeting everyone who passed who wasn't obviously doing something else, you know, to show them I was a human being, not just a bed in their hallway. All said a polite hello, sort of like they would to a talking bed robot programmed to randomly greet passers-by, and walked on.

On the MRI experience: sounds like going to a rock concert, only you find out after you're in that band was too high to go on, but it was the future so they had robot replacements, only the robot replacements were also too high but had no job security so they had to play anyway. Earplugs a must.

Once, I asked the MRI tech how the machine worked, because I was curious if the weird rhythmic sounds were only a byproduct of the machine working or if it was somehow related to the scanning directly, like it measured sound vibrations passing through the body or whatnot. Dude either didn't really know or thought I was high because all he could tell me was it worked on water molecules with magnets. Thanks. In his defense, that time I was *definitely* on drugs and the MRI process is actually incomprehensible unless you are really, really up on your physics.

One thing you will learn about radiology if you ever go there is that it is always cold. Apparently this helps the machines work better, but seriously it is not warm. I would advise you to take the heated blankets they offer, but I won't, because when you get there and are lying on the machine, maybe in nothing but a flimsy backless hospital gown and pants (not backless), you will already be so cold you will not refuse.

So, Radiology. They seem good at their jobs, have heated blankets, and are generally pleasant, though you are more like a sample in a Petri dish here than anywhere else I've been in the hospital. Always bring a book when you go down, just in case. If you definitely don't want people to ask you about what you're reading, I recommend taking Peter Brown's biography of Saint Augustine, which is actually very good. If you do want people to ask, I have no clue.

Radiology: four spinning protons at thermodynamic equilibrium out of five.